DearAva

I'm not a hero

2009-03-31T00:12:00.000-07:00

“Only through courage like yours will the good changes happen in China. There is no defense against people who weaken or hurt their occupation by behaving unethically and immorally. The god changes happen because of people like you who - innocently or with determination - reveal truths that will make for corrections. You should be proud of yourself.” (Peter)

Does Peter mean, we are the people to change China? Sorry I am so nobody. What Peter says is just beyond my expectation. Many considerations bother you, even if, especially when you are in a high position in that system.

Shall I be proud of myself? I didn't mean to reveal truths as a hero. I felt confused and uncomfortable, and I'm defending myself. See, I'm a selfish independent human being.

Life choice---Letter From Peter

2009-01-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

I am touched and so sorry Ava. These are difficult lessons to learn, particularly in lifetime where so many of you have "benefited" from being only children and having the love of your family so strongly focused on you. A parent's natural instinct is to preserve the lives of their child or children, protect them from life's harm, and not let them suffer in any way.

Life has an ugly way of going in whatever direction the fates take us without a respect for the tenderness of a child or the vulnerability of humans. When a young person dies of an illness that cannot be cured the human vulnerability is underlined. The death of a classmate, even one who may not have been well known, brings death so much closer. How many of your generation have experienced the death of someone close. It is devastating. For this you have my deepest sympathy.

Suicide is the unexplainable. How can a person blessed with life, end that life. The question can never be satisfactorily answered by those of us left behind as the living The natural question: "Could we have done something to prevent the suicide?" The answer is rarely: yes. That makes the event all the more unexplainable. Why are we so limited that we cannot save a life, even a "healthy" life.

Yet inthe midst of all these difficult questions I hope you will see the process of experience and maturing that will give you strength.

I admire and am almost jealous of your decision to work near home. Why jealous? For reasons I won't bore you with I never had this kind of a relationship with my parents (good and bad reasons). I was also fortunate, my parents were both healthy.

The lifestyle we live, like everything else, is a matter of choice.

Cheers

Peter
2009-1-6

OBITUARY-Letter to Peter

2009-01-05T16:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Peter,

The sunshine of 2009 is shinning, but the sky is so blue, as blue as our moods.

Our classmates passed by this early morning, a day after a girl committed suicide. The death of our classmate is totally sudden, and shocking to us.

He looks so low-key. I might have talked to him only several times within 4 years. You can imagine that, in a class, there are outstanding people, and some even people as well. I'm sorry I still don't know where he's from. Yet we all know he's nice, polite, modest.

I even feel guilty, that no body even knows he had been seriously ill, I doubt. Now have had the chances to show our concern, we lost him forever!

My friends show me his last words in his QQ space. He encouraged others o cherish the life and do what you want to do, and make you loved---He probably knew he could not live long. He probably gave up treatment, coz he signed "no hospitalization" a minute before he fell faint yesterday in the hospital! Doctor said he had been deadly ill, our monitor told us. Did he try to save money for his family? He should've searched for help!

Someone who committed suicide, if it is the correct fact, decided to give up her life by jumping from the 5th floor, but finally is saved, many students donated blood. While someone is not able to survive, and others just didn't have the chances to help him. What a world! Life is so delicate. I'm really sorry for his family. It must be painful.

I've decided to start my career in Huizhou City, which is near my town. One of the most important reasons is I can go home to see my family anytime, especially my father. Practically I don't think I can be helpful to his sickness. I need to try to be home, try to do something.

Peter, you're far far away from your family members. You're all around different places on the earth. That's so different from us. I'm not sure whether I admire the style. Anyway, hope you do feel home here in China, in STU. Please do take good care of yourself. You're living by yourself. I care about you. Let us know if you need help. Oh, am I too emotional? I know you do lead a healthy life, riding, gym, early get up…

Good luck!

Ava

2009-1-5

Too Picky To Have Love

2009-01-05T03:48:00.000-08:00

Why are some girls want elder men? Coz some male peers are disappointing!

Or perhaps, we are demanding too much. None of them are satisfying.

Desperate Sky

2009-01-05T03:21:00.000-08:00

Plunging myself into the shadow of sadness, I'm eager to have someone save me out of it.

I'm really a silly immature child, crying and tearing. I could not help losing temper, and went mad at someone innocent. Bad mood could be controlled, to avoid hurting someone, but temporally, then finally burst out, making more damages.

A girl commit suicide in campus, well, if the the fact is suicide, not murder. What a silly girl! I said to myself, with anger, pretend to be rational. How could she be so incapable in front of disaster! lost parents or babies, people still survive in Sichuan, and that is the real disaster! and comparing with that, our sadness, because of breaking up, because of moody sadness, because of difficulties, our problem is only piece of cake!

I look like a strong woman, Hmn? To myself, how can I comfort myself, relieve my intense? When jumped into the desperate sky, people is crazy and not rational.

Damn 2008! Better 2009!!

2008-12-31T07:13:00.000-08:00

2008, the year of earthquakes, snow storm, financial crisis, will have ended in 30 minutes!! It is a year of disaster for the country, and the world. A bad luck year for myself, too. Sadness, disappointment, failure, frustration... all will have gone!!

Let 2009 bless Ava and everybody! Next year is better. Rebuild confidence, take action !!!!

Plan 2009

2008-12-29T16:59:00.000-08:00

The first plan for New Year is to keep blogging in English!!!

I never can keep the time, the sunshine. Words can be written down and kept in blog, however. Not until I took all the CET and TOFLE had I put it into daily use. Broken as my English is, it is my English.

Inspiration strikes my head, miracles jump in my dreams, happiness and sorrow sometimes need to be rethought…write them down briefly, my thoughts and feelings, so I can be clear how my life is going.

Bitterly Job-hunting

2008-11-29T20:58:00.000-08:00

The sunshine of the autumn seemed to try out my hope and passion in the recruitment fair. The not skilfully worn make-up on the female students' faces are gone, and it make them ugly.

I don't know exactly the need and the supply of the labor market, but I do know the opportunity is low, the competition is high.

It's wrong to have hop on the Olympic, but I'm still voicing out, "What a fucking post-Olympic economy". I can't blame on financial crises, but I'm hating the consumers, the debtors, in the developed countries.

The Meaning of The Simpsons

2008-11-03T03:00:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been addicted to the American cartoon series, The Simpsons.

Surely I'm amused with the sense of humor in "American style". To appreciate the stories, the profound significant is another inevitable reason. The family members are odd, vulgar, but perhaps that's the reality of the common people, especially the large amount of low-income families.

Homer, is not an ideal father and never set a perfect fatherly example to the children. He's indolent, superficial. But he makes right choice at the end. He loves his wife and care for the family.

It is hardest to manage such a naughty boy, a boy playing tricks and making troubles around. That is absolutely an horrible kid. But he's the one who is brave to challenge authority and perceive deception.

I favor those stories exposing truth, ugly, indecent or miserable truth. Am I thus pessimistic or optimistic?

Love & Understanding

2008-10-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

"Naked came I into the world, and naked must I go out."---Cervantes

I feel sad and desperated when I read it. But sometimes it is the answer to my loneliness. Alone came I into the world, and alone must I go out. solitude it is the real primitive situation a man has.

Is there really someone, someone who knows you, and therefore attend to you carefully. He might love trully you, but rarely understand you. Either do you. Is understanding more valuable than loved, based on the logic?

People need love and understanding to survive. If you don't understand me, do you know how to love me? You understand me, but you don't love me, what of it?

Parents, lovers, friends...I am grateful, I cherish and suffer sometimes.

When I wake up from a nap

2008-10-20T03:40:00.000-07:00

When I wake up from the nap today, I feel plunged into a grey world.

I review Francais, and I can't help worrying my new hair-style. I keep roll it with my finger, still annoyed about the duration of the curly hair. When I'm unhappy, everything is imperfect, and imperfection looks hideous. I'm just solicitous and can't relieve.

I'm demanding myself to utilize time wisely. But I'm contrite over no attainment. And fear that I fail to prepare myself for job-haunting after graduation.

Since I didn't have a nightmare during the nap, how come I have nightmare after I rise? This happen many times.

At the end, I create my second blog, to write down unhappiness in English. Same mood when first blog created.

God bless Ava.